A few months ago, I participated in a 6-week workshop led by my wise friend, Jenn Zuccone.  A central theme of the workshop focused on how we hold ourselves back by comparing ourselves to others.  In order to complete one of Jenn's prescribed exercises, I purchased a yardstick from my local hardware store.  The purpose of the yardstick was to track the frequency in which we measure ourselves against others.  We put a notch in our yardstick each time we engaged in a comparison that made us feel "less than" the other person.  We tracked this throughout the entire 6 weeks. This exercise served to be powerful for all of us as it gave us a physical realization of how often this was happening.

 

The "yardstick" accounts for much of the anxiety that we see in ourselves and our children.  Our children are compared with each other before they even have time to develop their own sense of self.   As a means to show outcomes for increased funding, our educational system grades and compares children at every turn.  As parents, we unwittingly impose comparisons as well, as we worry about the future success of our children.  Social media has made its own contribution.  Facebook provides an avenue for people to share the highlights of their lives.  However, it is too large of a format for people to feel comfortable sharing their struggles.  Who wants to tell their 500 closest "friends" that they had an argument with their spouse last night?  So we see only the good things.  We compare ourselves to this false perception of others whom we see as living a life of pure happiness - without struggle.  There is no such thing.  

 

It is up to us, as parents, to help our children develop a healthy sense of self.  This is difficult to do when we have our own yardstick to contend with.  Our goal is not to get rid of the yardstick as it is an innate part of who we are.  The goal is to be aware of when we are using it and to take steps to decrease our response to it.  Here are 6 tips for living with the yardstick and providing positive modeling for our children.

 

1.  Recognize when we are comparing ourselves to others.

2.  Is it positive or negative?  Comparison can be good if it inspires us to change things for the better.  It is bad if it causes us to feel "less than" others.

3.  Remind ourselves that this thought of "less than" is rooted in perfectionism.  It is not real.

4.  If the comparison is negative, look for the strengths in the person we are comparing ourselves to.  If the person is using his/her gifts for good, express gratitude to this person.

5.  Remind ourselves that the beauty of humanity is in our differences.  What are your gifts?

6.  Express gratitude for who you are and mean it.