Mama walked over to the toaster. Her daughter bounced into the kitchen with a smile and wrapped her arms around her. It was a real hug. Body to body with a little squeeze. Wow! She melted into it; savoring the moment. To most parents, this might be a daily occurrence with their child. For her, it felt like bathing in sunlight.

 

You see, hugs have not always come easily for her highly sensitive little girl. Sure, she had been a super clingy toddler, but that was different.  

 

As a nurturing mother, it had been hard. For years, she had approached this child with outstretched arms, only to have her turn her body to the side. Sometimes her daughter even turned her back to her in efforts to buffer the hug. Maybe you would expect this of a teenager, but she was still so young.

 

This constant rejection was not only painful, it made her worry. Her mind entertained really tough questions that seemed to persist. Had her daughter been the victim of sexual abuse? Maybe her daughter simply didn’t like her. But why? What had she done to cause this behavior? She thought about it, but didn’t dare talk about it. If she had these questions, others would have the same.

 

She tried to find answers, but most of them ended with the word “disorder."

 

One day, her google search paid off. She read about “the highly sensitive child” and something clicked. 

 

She suddenly realized that her daughter’s resistance to intimacy had nothing to do with her. The experience of a full frontal hug was just too intense.. too intimate... too overwhelming.

 

This welcomed information allowed Mama to let go. She stopped worrying. She stopped asking her daughter what was wrong. She stopped personalizing her behavior. She set forth to find ways to help her daughter to navigate this complex territory.

 

Instead of avoiding rejection, Mama began making conscious efforts to hug her little girl more often and in the way that she was most comfortable… side by side. When her daughter turned her back, mama gave her a squeeze anyway. The hugs were quick but firm. She made sure not to prolong them or to look her in the eyes. This would have been far too intense.

 

As time went by and the side hugs became commonplace, Mama switched it up. She started greeting her daughter’s side hug with a grin, saying, “Now how about a real hug?” It was awkward at first, but eventually she would smile back, give a quick hug and move on. 

 

Her little girl is now 12 years old and propelling rapidly toward adolescence.  She is confident and seems to be comfortable in her own skin. 

 

Sometimes, early in the morning, Mama opens her bedroom door, crawls into her bed and lays beside her. Her attempts to drape her arm across her daughter’s side are still met with resistance, but that’s okay. She knows it isn’t about their relationship. It’s just where she is right now. And that place is just fine.